Dear Intervention,

Your commercials make me want to get high. Thanks. I haven't used any kind of illegal drugs in 10 years. I don't even think about using for months at a time. But somehow a 30 second ad spot of a guy smoking meth makes me want to smoke meth. Way to go, I think your marketing campaign is totally working.

Fuck you,
Beth

I would give my little brother a dog turd. In his pillowcase. Because I'm the bestest big sister ever!

My family and friends tend not to make those kinds of remarks. And those rare occasions they do... well, just because I don't share their views/opinions doesn't mean it's my place to give them shit about it. I'm American, I believe in free speech. Shit, my family's been in this country since... about 100 years before it was a country.

Besides, my dad started supporting gay rights when Lindsay Lohan came out. Haven't heard a homophobic thing from him since then.

I love you.

(Let's face it, only the people we love really hurt us.)

I would not consider helping anyone who wants me to help me conceive a child. If one of my best friends asked me to help him or her conceive a child, that would make more sense. I don't think I'd help, though. I'm not keen on being pregnant again.

Jessica's got five kids and has declared herself done. If all five of them died and she couldn't find another surrogate (like her sister or other friends) I'd think about it. She got her tubes tied after #5 so she wouldn't be able to have more on her own and in-vitro is expensive. As we've been besties since we were 8 it wouldn't change much. I guess I'd be more likely to keep up with her on a regular basis instead of the sporadic phone calls and such. I'm not in a relationship so that part doesn't apply. Also, if I did have a bf I can't imagine her asking to borrow his spooge. I couldn't really imagine her asking to borrow my hypothetical gf's uterus either. If my hypothetical bf/gf wasn't cool with me helping, that relationship would be over.

My bff Matthew was my last (sex) partner and we were both on the same page about not wanting to make any babies. If he asked me or the hypothetical gf to help because his partner couldn't conceive, I'd kick him in the nuts. If he actually wanted to have a child with me, I would know him for a pod person. And kick him in the nuts. >D I'm not friends with pod people.

I do not like being upset.
I do not like barfing.
I do not like chronic pain.
I do not like being unable to take Advil because I'm barfing.


I really don't like being upset. About the same shit that's been upsetting me for a while. Hopefully when the fucking Depo wears off I'll be able to get some perspective? 3 weeks... maybe, I don't think dosage is determined by weight so who the hell knows how much of this crap I've got left in me.

I don't post for real anymore, do I?

Not much is going on.

I've only got 6 months before my job is gone. Starting to worry about that.

I'm broke as fuck. As usual. :D

Karma's coming home in a couple weeks. Still have to buy the plane ticket.

My shop isn't doing as well as I'd like. But it's not the holiday season yet, so I'm hopeful.

At the moment I'm sort of drifting. I don't know how to describe it better than that.

The depo side-effects aren't as bad as they were. It's been what? 9 weeks? I've spent 5 of them on what I'll call "my period" because that's the easiest way to put it. I'm not sick to my stomach all the time anymore. So that's awesome. I'm still somewhat depressed, but I'm not sure if that's because of the depo or the money or the personal issues. I'm still sad about shit I feel like I should be getting over by now. Or at least getting past. But I'm not, really.

I'm trying to think about my future. I've always had a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan, a by-the-time-I-hit-whatever-age plan. Frighteningly, I've always managed to hit my goals. The thing is... I need to set better goals. I'm smart. Hell, I'm super-bright. I'm a hard worker. I should be able to do better than I have so far. You know, the whole living paycheck-to-paycheck and choosing jobs based more on lack of responsibility than anything else.

A lot of the time I don't know what I actually want. Sure, there are a few specific things I know I really want and some general stuff... but nothing in-between. The specific ones are just hanging in space without context or perspective. The general ones are nebulous and unformed. So I'm sort of directionless. It's not terrible, but it's not so fun either. And I kind of feel like I'm too old to just be... idk. Whatever it is I am now.

Oh well. Time for sleep. Back to work in the morning. T_T

I would do whatever the hell I felt like at any (every) given moment.

I don't have a bucket list. You should do the things you think are important without regard for some projected deadline.

My favorite will always be "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" just because it's hilarious.

Saying stupid shit is an instant turn-off, so yes that dampens my interest. I've only allowed one guy to pick me up but it wasn't because of his half-clever line. I don't remember any other one so I can't give a best and worst.

For the first time since 2001, Karma's dad has paid child support.

Not to me, of course. Apparently my paying for everything for the last 8 years is fine, but with Karma staying at my parents' Jeremy finally felt like he should contribute something. He gave my dad cash, and my folks transferred the money into my bank account.

$200 isn't nearly as much as has been given to him by myself and my dad the past several years (to pay for gas and what-have-you) but it's something. It'll help pay for the clothes Karma's apparently going to need. He's outgrown his pants again, and my parents just bought them a couple months ago. My baby's going to be bigger than me soon!

It's difficult to believe in the concept of a soulmate when one does not especially believe in the concept of a soul. 

I do think it's a nice idea, that someone out there would be such a perfect compliment to oneself. 

No. Yes. Hope to be making a living off my "creativity." Yes... -ish.

I watched videos on the TV in the living room for over 60 hours once. I couldn't sleep or sit up or really do anything but lie there. Worst migraine I ever had. The TV made it hurt worse what with the eyes being open and sound happening at all, but I was so bored without it.

My mood doesn't affect my TV habits much. I mostly watch when I'm doing something that occupies my hands but not my brain. It's kind of hard to read a book while you're doing something else, so TV it is.

I realized a few days ago that in about 3 weeks it will be 10 years since I kicked Karma's dad out.

(Ha, that's a lot of different time frames all in one statement, I rule. XD)

You-all's teasing aside, that's the last third of my life spent entirely without a boy/girlfriend. And I feel like it's kind of weird that I'm really rather proud of it. I mean, I know that it's because I have significant issues. But at the same time I look around at the people I know (including many of you) and I'm so glad that I've managed to stay out of some of the shitty situations I've watched others go through.

I'm not in a dead-end relationship I cling to out of a fear of being alone. I'm not divorced. I'm not stuck in a marriage I'd like to leave. I'm not trying to repair a marriage that went awry somewhere. I've not had to find out my partner was cheating. (Thus, I've never felt the need to fuck a hobbit as some form of ill-considered revenge...) I've managed to skip a lot of the drama and fuckery that occurs for people in early adulthood.

While I feel like it's a shame Karma hasn't had a lot of exposure to healthy adult relationships, I'm very glad he hasn't been subjected to the kind of horrifically-shitty relationships that it's much more likely I would have had.

Anyway, I regard breaking up with Jeremy to be the best decision I ever made. Ten years on I'm really not where I'd have hoped to be in my life, but I'm not especially upset over how things have gone. And if I spend the next ten years still single I think I'll still be cool with it. Not going to do that whole almost-nine-years-without-sex thing again, though. I know I could, but I don't want to.

• 12:33 Bondage Tea will be at Hissyfits Sunday Nov 8 in Phoenix!: bit.ly/2S4mAE #

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( I used to blog about my financial messes all the time. Awh, nostalgia! )

Of course, money isn't the only stressor I've got right now...

( This is why I stayed away from boys for all those years... )

My computer's a 2002 iMac. I mostly use it as a receptacle for frustration and hate. And occasionally porn.

This is the first day since mid-August that I haven't ended up in tears at some point. Granted, there are still almost 2 hours to go, but I think I'll make it.

There's something I really need to do. Like, should have been done by now. And I'm not doing it. I'm totally fucking myself over by not doing it. And yet here I am on the computer.